RELATIONSHIPREALTALK: When You Can't Get Over Him

Dear Girls,

I remember when my mom lost her purse a few years back. She kept obsessing, lamenting and indulging in self pity. I angrily told her the purse was gone and it wasn’t coming back, so all she had to do was get a new one to compensate, and just simply put her loss out of her mind.

I’m sure that couldn’t have been easy. She had not just money in there, but her different licences and passport. Going about getting  new ones had to have been tough business.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m in no way attributing a ripped heart to a lost purse. I’m just saying, that the ‘intro. to tough love lesson 101’ I gave my mom doesnt apply here. Don’t listen to people who say it does as far as moving on is concerned. You just can’t simply and promptly forget memories and love shared and get “a new one”, and yet, indulging in these memories is as hard as ripping your heart out all over again because they constantly remind you of all you were and all that could have been.

I understand moving on from a relationship could be hard, whether you pulled the plug or not. It could be you can’t let go cos you never consciously made the choice to let go, maybe circumstances played a hand, or maybe its because you believe you’ll never be able to have the relationship you truly want with anyone else.

Its one of the toughest things most people have to go through, especially if you’re still in love with an ex. You feel like you’d never move on, and no one in the world understands that.

I understand. I’ve been there a few times myself, so, I know the drill. You act all tough at first, and then as the days go by, it hits you hard, ‘ít’s really over’.  You cry cos you’re hurting, and all you wanna do is hole up somewhere. You eventually talk to a friend and they tell you he was an asshole not worthy of you, “Just forget him sweetie, you’d find someone else. Don’t cry anymore”.

For some of us, we take this advise and just flat out stop ourselves from thinking about him.  Then a few months down the road, you see him with some girl, and you’re wrestling with your emotions, and just like that, you’re back to square one.

So whats the use anyway?

Thing is, we all must face our own demons ourselves. My advise? Have a good cry if you feel like it. Listen to the most heartbreaking songs and cry some more if you will. When you think about him and you wanna cry, cry. You see someone or something that reminds you of him, and all you want is his arms around you... cry. When the tears are all dried up, don’t bother tryna seek closure or moving on. Wanting closure basically creates avenues for ‘if onlies’. If onlies invariably means we are comparing our future to the past, and yet, we delude ourselves into thinking it’d ease the hurt somehow.

That will never happen!

Lady, ‘take him with you!’ that’s the simple God’s truth. Don’t try to ‘move on’ or ‘let go’. Ignore how many times your friends tell you they are tired of talking about him. Just move froward with your life, go out with friends, go on simple dates, don’t hole yourself up anymore and forget to live. You’ve done that already! Do what you gotta do – and Lady, take the nigger with you. Put him somewhere at the back of your mind – or in that imaginary ‘moving on car’... let him take the back seat. When you look in the rear view, you’re bound to see him, his presence alone would pull you, distract you from your journey, but DON’T PAY ATTENTION TO HIM!

As you’re cruising, stopping along to chat up men and pick up those you wanna get to know better. As you’re stopping to go dancing with your friends. As you learn about the you you’ve become by simply just being, you’d get excited about your possibilities! Every once in a while, maybe you’d chat him up cos you’re still keeping him there, but soon, you’d tire of the man in the backseat who you have to tend to every once in a while, feed him by indulging in memories of the past and wonderings of a future without him.

You’re going to get simply irritated with all the energy  it takes to keep him alive. You’d lean towards the positive energy, and for that, you’d want him gone, you’d want him out of your car, you’d want to really be free to do everything you wanna.

Then one day, when you check out the car honking you in your rearview, you’d realize somewhere along the way he went away – and you didn’t even notice.

You’d be stronger, smarter, more confident to tell people to come on in.

Being yourself, giving you time to heal is the only antidote, but that can’t be gotten by putting your life on hold. And even if you decide to keep him in the backseat, other men would stop paling in comparison. You’d probably even ask yourself why you ever compared.

So my dear ladies, if you can’t get over him now, don’t try to. Just let it happen, let it run its course. Pushing it into the deep recesses of your mind and never bothering to bring it up won’t work. It’d surface again when the timing is wrong. Deal with it now.

Bad things happen, we choose to live not because of it, but despite it. Its how we all survive. Don’t be the exception to the rule!