RELATIONSHIPREALTALK; 10 Keys to Screwing Up Your Relationship; A Man’s Way

No man’s an island. That’s a given. Relationships are, and have always been, an integral part of the human race. We exist because of it, and live because of and despite it. So, let’s get one fact straight – relationships are the essence of life.

That being said, there’s lots of issues plaguing relationships. This is mostly as a result of individual baggage and preconceived ideas about our relationships and partners. There’s lots of articles everywhere about how to get a relationship right. But as the title suggests, this is a different kind of instructional journey. Please, sit back and enjoy as I take you down the road to the end…

Here are some easy, illustrative and very applicable situations to any relationship.

1. You are the man in the relationship. Besides, it’s a man’s world right? So, explain to your girl what you need getting done, constantly assert “YOU ARE THE MAN!” like it’s some holy chant. Puff your chest and let it swell like dough.

Here’s an instance – your girl comes back from work or school and is really tired, but somehow, she manages to get dinner going. After it’s all served and eaten, she gets to doing the laundry and politely asks you to help clean up the kitchen. Rudely remind her she’s a “woman”, and it’s a woman’s job to take care of her man – so, she can do the laundry tomorrow if she’s too tired, but you honestly cannot do the dishes. Repeat this constantly.

2. Endeavor to start arguments about the most mundane things, (and ladies, never trust him enough to communicate). You meet a girl on a Tuesday, she has sexy black pumps on. Eventually, you realize she wears black pumps only on Tuesdays. You start dating anyway, then one day you ask her why she wears black pumps only on Tuesdays, she gives you this weird look and says “Nothing, it’s just who I am I guess“. One year down the road, she can’t stay over at your place one Monday night even though she has a change of clothes there, her reason being her black pumps were home. Get riled at this point and ask her what the deal is with the black pumps. Complain bitterly and tell her she doesn’t communicate about anything with you “after all you’ve done for her“. She gets riled at this point because as far as she knows, that’s the only thing you guys have never really discussed, so she angrily asks you to name other times and issues she failed to communicate. You say you can’t remember any at that point in time, then accuse her of turning the tables because “that’s not what this is about” and she always tries to turn the argument on you every time, and it’s her fault it started anyway.

She tells you she cannot argue anymore because she’s tired, you concur and set about shuffling into bed. She says “No“, she means she’s tired of the relationship and the arguments. That’s the end… you did not see that coming yeah?

3. Tell her you trust her everyday, for trust is of course the corner stone of every relationship yeah? Then when you see her coming home from school with a gentleman escort, and she’s laughing at something he said, frown deeply and pass her by on the street. Later on, please proceed to call her a cheap whore and plainly refuse to rationalize her reason that he was just a course mate who had happened to be visiting someone at the lodge.

4. During each argument (which you should make sure occurs about twice a week), endeavour to inform her that she never listens, never will, doesn’t understand you, never will, will probably never be good enough for you, doesn’t value you, will never make you feel important.

Say all this at the top of your voice, never minding who is listening – and please, ignore the tears, they aren’t real.

5. Don’t fail to hit her every once in a while – a woman has to be put in her place when she challenges authority. Hit her repeatedly until you are sure it sunk in properly.

Apologize later, but don’t forget to let her know it was her fault you hit her anyway.

6. Please, don’t fail to cheat on her and flirt with her best friend or some other whore because she’s cheating on you too… (right?).

7. She brings you a gift. Please inform her you don't use such things. You get your personal effects from that store on banana island... 'but its alright...i would have preferred the red color, but the green is alright too'.

8. After an argument, she’s always the one that needs to change. Don’t fail to kill the romance and tell her she’s not the only one that’s hurt.

9. Never listen to what she has to say concerning the relationship, she needs to listen to you first. There’s no point in leading by example.

10.  And please, never ever fail to insinuate the point that you think she’s into your friend because they too have become friends.

Repeat these steps overtime, and eventually, any woman worth her salt would walk out that door. That’s a guarantee.