Scattered Thoughts of a Broken Heart...

They say a true writer can immerse themselves into a situation, empathize with another, feel the pain, feel the joy… that’s what happened here. A friend told me a story, and when I got back home, I thought about it. Really thought… and a romantic at heart, it made me cry. Not cos I’m a weakling, but cos I could relate, just like any girl could, to love found, love lost, love missed… This is a story of how I think it would happen in a movie, d sad part before they both realize they are stupid and race back to each other… it could take forever, two months or two years, but true love always conquers all right?....

This is d picture I painted… their goodbye before hello...

“Let me start of saying that i'm sorry to barge into your life like this again, i can give no plausible reason for doing so, except to say, maybe i'm looking for some closure. i'm also sorry this might be a long rambling letter, and i may digress at some points, but right this minute, with tears flowing down like silent rain, i'm running basically on raw emotions. i always thought being strong meant having to stand up for myself, its all i've come to believe... tonight i'm just weak enough, to share my thoughts, to hell with this pride, write this note.

They say to get over a person you put all what your feeling into words, expressing urself fully and completely, and when you are done, u fold it up n toss it in the trash... i really dont see the use in that. so at the end of this letter, i might toss it into the recycle bin, or level up my courage and mail this, i'm nt sure how that wud go yet. All i know is, its almost 2am, but i wont sleep... at least not until i've poured this all out, and maybe then, you'd stay out of my dreams... my head... maybe i'd finally put d memories to rest...

i always thought i knew what love was. i was convinced i had had it in my life, but baby, nothing compared to my time with you. i lived thru moments i never knew i could, and somehow still came out loving you. i played, and i laughed,( and though sometimes u doubted it), like never before... i knew love, and i knew friendship, all in one place, and maybe dts y its so hard to let it go.

I understand i ended things. I understand its wrong to barge in like this given that fact, but somehow, i didn't know that road i took would lead us here. We'd taken that turn so many times before, I had, you had, but each time, the other was behind, honking us out, urging the other to pull over and get off that road. That didn't happen this time... but i'm still confused. I dunno whether i'm glad u let it be or if i'm hurt u didn't... regardless, its nearing two months down this road and i've realized nobody's tailing me and its high time i hit this accelerator and stop stalling.

For long days that stretched out into weeks that eventually into one month, all i wanted was the memories behind me. At other times i couldn't bear to not think of u. it might sound cheesy, but i see u in places you obviously weren't. I hear ur voice in my head.. u’ve become the little voice that has taken up residence in my head but never bothers paying rent, and right now, it whispers to me an echo of wt u sometimes used to say, after you would look at me for a while, then shake ur head and say, "u don't know sha". it breaks my heart just a lil more. i dunno y u affect me so, i wish u wouldn't. it'd mk this easier. But this is my reality.

i'm not proud of how i started with you, probably a story i could never tell my kids, but i have no regrets about the way it turned out. Regrets about the journey maybe, but not the destination. However it had happened, i had ended up knowing love like i did, and everything i let go and endured to have it.

No, it wasn't all about me, i realize u made sacrifices as well, and i appreciate that. it brought me you.

I remember the day we first kissed, after the night we were together which we had no business being...the night was crazed and full of hormones... but the day i kissed u... d day u kissed me, without all the craziness, i knew i could live to be a thousand, and visit all the countries in the world, be successful on all the continents, but nothing would ever compare to that moment when i first kissed u, really kissed u... i never told u this, but it was my little secret.

Each time i thought i couldn't do it again, my mind always took me bk to that moment and i couldn't do it. that was the one thing bigger than my pride.

Days following the end.. weeks even, i didn't wanna think about you anymore, and maybe during the day i could heap enough activities on myself to manage that. But when the sun went to sleep and the stars lit the earth, i stared at the ceiling all night long, unable to escape my thoughts. There's pictures of you all over my phone... of us... everyday the way that it was and could have been surrounds me. Everybody still thinks ur mine, new friends ask "who's ds?" and i say my bf... I always thought i was born to be ur girl.. and u mine.... but its all hit me hard tonight, its gonna hurt bad, but i hear it gets better, but I'd never get over you by hiding this way.

Isn't like it was all love and roses, smooth sailing to Damascus and bk.. u brought out the best me... u also brought out the worst. No one brought out the worst like u did. it scared me who i was capable of being in times like that.. the memory still leaves me shell shocked... it was always so intense. We loved hard, but fought even harder.we made d same mistakes over again. Everytime we fought i hated myself for it. Somehow, even though we still loved each other, we lost that magical bond that kept us together. When i close my eyes, i still see ur face, i still hear ur laugh. When i think of the future, i still see u in it. I still reach out for you in my sleep and remember how it felt when my head ws on ur chest and ur arms were around me, and we just watched a movie... These things are still real to me, but where they once brought comfort, now they leave me aching. Mind numbing aches.

Love, play and caring weren't enough. They were the concrete bricks of our relationship, but unstable without the corner stone of trust, made even worse with the suspicions that made the time together unbearable. in this baby, i will blame you, though i understand u r territorial, u made that more important than my feelings, a situation worsened by the pride i let draw me away because of this.

This was the reason for the end, and i fear we'd never be better people, maybe never be good for each other...

its hard.

I love you so much...

I'm still in love with you, even more so than that day u typed it on dt ipad...

But what does it truly mean to love a person? Now i believe it means that u care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.

It might sound real stupid, but i understand what that means, and if i have one wish for u, its that ur happy baby. In every thing and with whomever u come across, because i may never bring u dt. ur last words to me included how i'd never listen, value u, never mk u fl important or needed cos its always gon be about me. Maybe dts wt i'm doing now sef... but "i hope you find it, what ur looking for. i hope its everything you wish ur life cud be and so much more, i hope ur happy, wherever u r"... I'm in love with you baby. i fear i'd always be.

But its possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and in time, the grief... lessens maybe. it may never completely go away, but after a while, its not as overwhelming. That's my new philosophy. U once told me falling in love was the quickest and most effective remedy for a heart break, so if u've gone dt way, if u've found urself in some1 else's arms, I'd smile and be happy... But i'm leaving these memories with you tonight... take ur happiness, take ur space, take ur value, take ur respect... take it all. We have nothing left to weather. I deserve to smile again. But someday, i'd run across ur mind, and u'd wish... you'd think of me... as i'd always think of u... as i always do...”

In the end, I hope they grow into each other. I hope they race back to each other. I hope they have all they need to finally make it work… I know YOU understand. I hope they do…

What can I say? I’m a sucker for a happy love story... Who isn't right?