Dear Girls,
I remember when
my mom lost her purse a few years back. She kept obsessing, lamenting and
indulging in self pity. I angrily told her the purse was gone and it wasn’t
coming back, so all she had to do was get a new one to compensate, and just
simply put her loss out of her mind.
I’m sure that
couldn’t have been easy. She had not just money in there, but her different
licences and passport. Going about getting
new ones had to have been tough business.
Don’t get me
wrong. I’m in no way attributing a ripped heart to a lost purse. I’m just
saying, that the ‘intro. to tough love lesson 101’ I gave my mom doesnt apply
here. Don’t listen to people who say it does as far as moving on is concerned.
You just can’t simply and promptly forget memories and love shared and get “a
new one”, and yet, indulging in these memories is as hard as ripping your heart
out all over again because they constantly remind you of all you were and all
that could have been.
I understand
moving on from a relationship could be hard, whether you pulled the plug or
not. It could be you can’t let go cos you never consciously made the choice to
let go, maybe circumstances played a hand, or maybe its because you believe
you’ll never be able to have the relationship you truly want with anyone else.
Its one of the
toughest things most people have to go through, especially if you’re still in
love with an ex. You feel like you’d never move on, and no one in the world
understands that.
I understand. I’ve
been there a few times myself, so, I know the drill. You act all tough at
first, and then as the days go by, it hits you hard, ‘Ãt’s really over’. You cry cos you’re hurting, and all you wanna
do is hole up somewhere. You eventually talk to a friend and they tell you he
was an asshole not worthy of you, “Just forget him sweetie, you’d find someone
else. Don’t cry anymore”.
For some of us,
we take this advise and just flat out stop ourselves from thinking about
him. Then a few months down the road,
you see him with some girl, and you’re wrestling with your emotions, and just
like that, you’re back to square one.
So whats the use
anyway?
Thing is, we all
must face our own demons ourselves. My advise? Have a good cry if you feel like
it. Listen to the most heartbreaking songs and cry some more if you will. When
you think about him and you wanna cry, cry. You see someone or something that
reminds you of him, and all you want is his arms around you... cry. When the
tears are all dried up, don’t bother tryna seek closure or moving on. Wanting
closure basically creates avenues for ‘if onlies’. If onlies invariably means
we are comparing our future to the past, and yet, we delude ourselves into
thinking it’d ease the hurt somehow.
That will never
happen!
Lady, ‘take him with you!’ that’s the simple God’s truth. Don’t try
to ‘move on’ or ‘let go’. Ignore how many times your friends tell you they are
tired of talking about him. Just move froward with your life, go out with
friends, go on simple dates, don’t hole yourself up anymore and forget to live.
You’ve done that already! Do what you gotta do – and Lady, take the nigger with
you. Put him somewhere at the back of your mind – or in that imaginary ‘moving
on car’... let him take the back seat. When you look in the rear view, you’re
bound to see him, his presence alone would pull you, distract you from your
journey, but DON’T PAY
ATTENTION TO HIM!
As you’re
cruising, stopping along to chat up men and pick up those you wanna get to know
better. As you’re stopping to go dancing with your friends. As you learn about
the you you’ve become by simply just being, you’d get excited about your
possibilities! Every once in a while, maybe you’d chat him up cos you’re still
keeping him there, but soon, you’d tire of the man in the backseat who you have
to tend to every once in a while, feed him by indulging in memories of the past
and wonderings of a future without him.
You’re going to
get simply irritated with all the energy
it takes to keep him alive. You’d lean towards the positive energy, and
for that, you’d want him gone, you’d want him out of your car, you’d want to
really be free to do everything you wanna.
Then one day,
when you check out the car honking you in your rearview, you’d realize
somewhere along the way he went away – and you didn’t even notice.
You’d be
stronger, smarter, more confident to tell people to come on in.
Being yourself,
giving you time to heal is the only antidote, but that can’t be gotten by
putting your life on hold. And even if you decide to keep him in the backseat,
other men would stop paling in comparison. You’d probably even ask yourself why
you ever compared.
So my dear
ladies, if you can’t get over him now, don’t try to. Just let it happen, let it
run its course. Pushing it into the deep recesses of your mind and never bothering
to bring it up won’t work. It’d surface again when the timing is wrong. Deal
with it now.
Bad things
happen, we choose to live not because of it, but despite it. Its how we all
survive. Don’t be the exception to the rule!
